Why do doctors continue to overlook the long term effects of childhood trauma on the health of adults?
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In this compelling video, Dr. Gabor Maté delves into the core principles of raising children that modern society often overlooks. He highlights the importance of nurturing a child’s emotional and psychological needs, especially in their earliest years, which he describes as crucial for setting a stable foundation for life. Dr. Maté explains that children are hardwired for attachment and connection with caring adults, and the lack of this secure attachment can lead children to seek belonging from their peers. This shift, he argues, may compromise healthy development, as peers cannot provide the wisdom and guidance essential to a child’s growth.
Dr. Maté challenges many conventional parenting practices that encourage distance, like letting a baby “cry it out” or using “time-outs” as punishment. He argues these methods inadvertently teach children that their emotions are unimportant, and that love and security are conditional. According to Dr. Maté, children develop best when they feel welcomed, safe, and loved unconditionally, with the consistent presence of nurturing adults who celebrate their existence without demands.
He stresses that modern society often isolates parents and disconnects them from extended family and community support, leaving children to form attachments with their peers instead. This, he explains, disrupts the parent-child bond and fosters emotional insecurities. Dr. Maté encourages a shift toward parenting approaches that prioritize emotional closeness and genuine acceptance, allowing children to feel secure and grow into confident adults.
Ultimately, this video serves as a call to re-evaluate societal expectations of parenting. By understanding children’s innate needs for attachment and security, Dr. Maté believes we can create a nurturing environment that fosters resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence in future generations.
I always say to people, you get the first three years right, you can relax. If you don’t get the first three years right, you will be practicing remedial parenting for decades.
Parents are taught not to pick up their kids when they are crying. Let them sleep it out. What lesson do they get? Their emotions don’t matter.
Children have a need to attach. They have a need to connect with somebody. Because without that connection, they don’t survive.
In the hunter-gatherer bands where human beings evolved, those attachments were with adults. And not just one adult or two adults but with a whole set of nurturing adults.
Now in our culture, we deprive the kids of the parental presence for the most part. And the child’s brain can’t handle an attachment void. And in the absence of the parent or the nurturing adult, the child will fill that void with the peer group. And now peers become their models and their mentors and their templates for how to be, how to walk and how to talk.
And as that happens, the kids push away from their parents because they are more minded to belong to the peer group, which has different values from the parents. And the kid’s brain can’t handle that competition. So the brain of the child will actually choose the peer group over the parent group. And where that goes, you can see on Facebook, and you can see it in the teenage gangs, and you can see it in the increasing frustration of parents who lost the part of parent. Because parents think that their part of parent comes from the fact that they have the responsibility and the strength and the wisdom. It doesn’t come from that. The part of the parent comes from the desire of the child to belong to you.
When the child is driven to belong to the peer group, because we have taken him out of his natural context, we lose the authority, so we become authoritarian, and the more authoritarian we become, the more pressure we put on them, the more they resist. And now we label them with oppositional defiant disorder. And we call them bad and naughty kids. All they are doing is acting out their attachment dynamics.
The essential template for the emotional development of the child as well as for the brain’s healthy physiological development is a nurturing relationship with mutually responsive adults. That means that every time I use the relationship against the child will actually undermine the child’s development because it makes the child insecure, and kids in a state of insecurity are in defensive “flight or fight” mode in which mode they don’t learn anything. They just are defending.
So I have a two year old that is angry and most psychologists and parenting experts will tell you, “Time out!” In other words, what they are telling you is withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child and that threat will make the child comply with you. Well, the child may temporarily comply with you but what have you taught her? You taught her that the relationship is conditional, that they are only acceptable to you if they please you, that relationships are unstable and unreliable, that you are not available to them when they are most upset. You say to them, when you are most unhappy, that’s when I am least available to you. And this is how parents are taught to parent. Just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach.
I was always waiting for my kids to grow older when I could intellectually engage them. And now we will have something in common. But the sheer state of being, I could never achieve with them.
So the communication happens on a much deeper level.
The real relationship doesn’t depend on words. It depends on the capacity to be with. I welcome your presence. And I welcome you to exist in my presence. And I am overjoyed to have you in my presence. That’s what the child needs from the parent.
Gabor Maté is a Hungarian-Canadian physician. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health, including on autoimmune disease, cancer, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), addictions, and a wide range of other conditions. Maté’s approach to addiction focuses on the trauma his patients have suffered and looks to address this in their recovery. In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, Maté discusses the types of trauma suffered by addicts and how this affects their decision making in later life. He believes in the connection between mind and body health. He has authored four books exploring topics including ADHD, stress, developmental psychology, and addiction.
“Love does not have a condition. What most parents do is trying to take ownership of the kid, not a guilty part of them but as a result of their own trauma. The desire to control is not love.”
“When I raised my daughter through the 90s, the pediatrician told me to let her “cry it out” to teach self sufficiency, or some such nonsense. I am glad I didn’t listen to him, or anybody else’s opinions.”
“How can anyone argue against such valuable advice? I should have learned this a long time ago with my oldest.”
“When that boy held up his middle finger but then broke down into tears so did I. God I hope he’s ok now.”
“I like how this high minded content on youtube confirms gut instincts.”
“The video clips in this video are fantastic and so well placed throughout the narrative.”
“While human kind is reaching for mars, families are being separated and rising lonely children. The world need more Gabor Mate on their life.”
“Yes, a video that touched my heart, this sensitive heart of a father that everyday grows and learns along with my kids… Thanks!”
“This hurt so much to watch. How I wished my parents were a safe place or that they held me or hugged me. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” was their motto.”
“My mom left me to cry for an hour daily and now I have terrible emotional control. My mom was also very abusive in general and yes I’ve abused many drugs in my life. This is me in a nutshell for sure. And we tell parents it’s ok to leave kids crying till they fall asleep. Horrible.”
“The saddest part is that this is such common sense stuff…”
“I am over joyed to have you in my presence. That’s beautiful.”
“I had tears in my eyes at the end … his words are so beautiful to hear in this day in age.”
“It’s so unlucky to be born in a careless family and grow up there. Someone shouldn’t have baby if not having the patience to care them. The effects of carelessness harms, destroys the whole life and only a few can get out of these.”
For more on the speaker, visit his website.
Music by:
In this compelling video, Dr. Gabor Maté delves into the core principles of raising children that modern society often overlooks. He highlights the importance of nurturing a child’s emotional and psychological needs, especially in their earliest years, which he describes as crucial for setting a stable foundation for life. Dr. Maté explains that children are hardwired for attachment and connection with caring adults, and the lack of this secure attachment can lead children to seek belonging from their peers. This shift, he argues, may compromise healthy development, as peers cannot provide the wisdom and guidance essential to a child’s growth.
Dr. Maté challenges many conventional parenting practices that encourage distance, like letting a baby “cry it out” or using “time-outs” as punishment. He argues these methods inadvertently teach children that their emotions are unimportant, and that love and security are conditional. According to Dr. Maté, children develop best when they feel welcomed, safe, and loved unconditionally, with the consistent presence of nurturing adults who celebrate their existence without demands.
He stresses that modern society often isolates parents and disconnects them from extended family and community support, leaving children to form attachments with their peers instead. This, he explains, disrupts the parent-child bond and fosters emotional insecurities. Dr. Maté encourages a shift toward parenting approaches that prioritize emotional closeness and genuine acceptance, allowing children to feel secure and grow into confident adults.
Ultimately, this video serves as a call to re-evaluate societal expectations of parenting. By understanding children’s innate needs for attachment and security, Dr. Maté believes we can create a nurturing environment that fosters resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence in future generations.
I always say to people, you get the first three years right, you can relax. If you don’t get the first three years right, you will be practicing remedial parenting for decades.
Parents are taught not to pick up their kids when they are crying. Let them sleep it out. What lesson do they get? Their emotions don’t matter.
Children have a need to attach. They have a need to connect with somebody. Because without that connection, they don’t survive.
In the hunter-gatherer bands where human beings evolved, those attachments were with adults. And not just one adult or two adults but with a whole set of nurturing adults.
Now in our culture, we deprive the kids of the parental presence for the most part. And the child’s brain can’t handle an attachment void. And in the absence of the parent or the nurturing adult, the child will fill that void with the peer group. And now peers become their models and their mentors and their templates for how to be, how to walk and how to talk.
And as that happens, the kids push away from their parents because they are more minded to belong to the peer group, which has different values from the parents. And the kid’s brain can’t handle that competition. So the brain of the child will actually choose the peer group over the parent group. And where that goes, you can see on Facebook, and you can see it in the teenage gangs, and you can see it in the increasing frustration of parents who lost the part of parent. Because parents think that their part of parent comes from the fact that they have the responsibility and the strength and the wisdom. It doesn’t come from that. The part of the parent comes from the desire of the child to belong to you.
When the child is driven to belong to the peer group, because we have taken him out of his natural context, we lose the authority, so we become authoritarian, and the more authoritarian we become, the more pressure we put on them, the more they resist. And now we label them with oppositional defiant disorder. And we call them bad and naughty kids. All they are doing is acting out their attachment dynamics.
The essential template for the emotional development of the child as well as for the brain’s healthy physiological development is a nurturing relationship with mutually responsive adults. That means that every time I use the relationship against the child will actually undermine the child’s development because it makes the child insecure, and kids in a state of insecurity are in defensive “flight or fight” mode in which mode they don’t learn anything. They just are defending.
So I have a two year old that is angry and most psychologists and parenting experts will tell you, “Time out!” In other words, what they are telling you is withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child and that threat will make the child comply with you. Well, the child may temporarily comply with you but what have you taught her? You taught her that the relationship is conditional, that they are only acceptable to you if they please you, that relationships are unstable and unreliable, that you are not available to them when they are most upset. You say to them, when you are most unhappy, that’s when I am least available to you. And this is how parents are taught to parent. Just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach.
I was always waiting for my kids to grow older when I could intellectually engage them. And now we will have something in common. But the sheer state of being, I could never achieve with them.
So the communication happens on a much deeper level.
The real relationship doesn’t depend on words. It depends on the capacity to be with. I welcome your presence. And I welcome you to exist in my presence. And I am overjoyed to have you in my presence. That’s what the child needs from the parent.
Gabor Maté is a Hungarian-Canadian physician. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health, including on autoimmune disease, cancer, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), addictions, and a wide range of other conditions. Maté’s approach to addiction focuses on the trauma his patients have suffered and looks to address this in their recovery. In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, Maté discusses the types of trauma suffered by addicts and how this affects their decision making in later life. He believes in the connection between mind and body health. He has authored four books exploring topics including ADHD, stress, developmental psychology, and addiction.
“Love does not have a condition. What most parents do is trying to take ownership of the kid, not a guilty part of them but as a result of their own trauma. The desire to control is not love.”
“When I raised my daughter through the 90s, the pediatrician told me to let her “cry it out” to teach self sufficiency, or some such nonsense. I am glad I didn’t listen to him, or anybody else’s opinions.”
“How can anyone argue against such valuable advice? I should have learned this a long time ago with my oldest.”
“When that boy held up his middle finger but then broke down into tears so did I. God I hope he’s ok now.”
“I like how this high minded content on youtube confirms gut instincts.”
“The video clips in this video are fantastic and so well placed throughout the narrative.”
“While human kind is reaching for mars, families are being separated and rising lonely children. The world need more Gabor Mate on their life.”
“Yes, a video that touched my heart, this sensitive heart of a father that everyday grows and learns along with my kids… Thanks!”
“This hurt so much to watch. How I wished my parents were a safe place or that they held me or hugged me. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” was their motto.”
“My mom left me to cry for an hour daily and now I have terrible emotional control. My mom was also very abusive in general and yes I’ve abused many drugs in my life. This is me in a nutshell for sure. And we tell parents it’s ok to leave kids crying till they fall asleep. Horrible.”
“The saddest part is that this is such common sense stuff…”
“I am over joyed to have you in my presence. That’s beautiful.”
“I had tears in my eyes at the end … his words are so beautiful to hear in this day in age.”
“It’s so unlucky to be born in a careless family and grow up there. Someone shouldn’t have baby if not having the patience to care them. The effects of carelessness harms, destroys the whole life and only a few can get out of these.”
For more on the speaker, visit his website.
Music by:
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